So I guess my journey towards radical self-acceptance was short lived. I apologize to anyone who read my blog. It feels as though I dove head first into this journey and just as quickly deserted it. I wonder why this journey came to a halt? Or did it?
Sometimes we seem to think that we have to actively and consciously pursue something in order to achieve it. More specifically speaking... do we have to always bring our body image into awareness in order to ensure that we aren't slipping into old habits? I noticed for myself the less I focused on body image, the less negative I felt about my body. I understand the necessity for people fresh in recovery to continuously monitor how they're feeling about their body in order to avoid slipping back into old behaviors. But, once we are past that part and further down the road in recovery... do we need to always focus on our body image? Or is part of recovery NOT focusing on our body image?
Hmm... food for thought, I guess. Thoughts?
Some things I've noticed that are different about myself in regards to body image:
1. I no longer scrutinize my imperfections in the mirror. Instead I comment to myself the parts I like about my body.
2. I no longer obsess over getting dressed in the morning. It's not as much a daily battle as it used to be. I used to dread getting dressed.
3. I noticed the better I treated my body, the higher my self-esteem was.
4. The less I looked at fashion blogs, runway show pictures, magazines, the less I hated my own body.
5. I compare myself less to other females.
6. I'm more focused on what my body can DO rather than what it looks like.
7. I no longer desire a thin physique. I desire a strong looking physique.
8. I like my shape.
9. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I'm OK.
10. I appreciate other female bodies of all shapes and sizes.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Other things that have been consuming my mind...
Are you with the right mate?
thank you, psychology today for enlightening me.
yes, i am with the right mate. sometimes. and sometimes, not. but it doesn't matter. i'm not always the right mate, either.
and that's okay. love is hard work. and hard work is what we are willing to do...
thank you, psychology today for enlightening me.
yes, i am with the right mate. sometimes. and sometimes, not. but it doesn't matter. i'm not always the right mate, either.
and that's okay. love is hard work. and hard work is what we are willing to do...
The Dance
"The question is not why are you so infrequently the people you really want to be. The question is why do you so infrequently want to be the people you really are." She pauses. "Because you have no faith that who you are is enough." Her voice is soft, full of sadness. "But it is. Your true nature as human beings is compassionate, and this essential nature makes you capable of being intimately and fully present. Who you really are is enough."
...that we are right now in this moment capable of being compassionate and fully present in intimate relationship with ourselves, the world, and the Mystery; that we are all we need to be by our nature; that there is no need for self-improvement; that we live our deepest soul's desires not by intending to change who we are but by intending to be who we are. And clearly our intention-to change or to be who we are-profoundly shapes how we live, what we believe we must do to learn, whether we feel we must ceaselessly push ourselves to reach higher or simply find the courage and confidence to allow who we are to unfold....
[The] former aims to reshape our essentially flawed nature with heroic efforts of endless trying.
Despite the fact that endless trying isn't working, it's what I know. It's hard to believe that I can be enough as I am. I want to be more-more compassionate, more present, more conscious and aware, more loved and loving, more intimate with myself and the world. I want to know how to be different-better-than I am.
...that we are right now in this moment capable of being compassionate and fully present in intimate relationship with ourselves, the world, and the Mystery; that we are all we need to be by our nature; that there is no need for self-improvement; that we live our deepest soul's desires not by intending to change who we are but by intending to be who we are. And clearly our intention-to change or to be who we are-profoundly shapes how we live, what we believe we must do to learn, whether we feel we must ceaselessly push ourselves to reach higher or simply find the courage and confidence to allow who we are to unfold....
[The] former aims to reshape our essentially flawed nature with heroic efforts of endless trying.
Despite the fact that endless trying isn't working, it's what I know. It's hard to believe that I can be enough as I am. I want to be more-more compassionate, more present, more conscious and aware, more loved and loving, more intimate with myself and the world. I want to know how to be different-better-than I am.
Oriah
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 12
Realize That Your Dissatisfaction Is Not About Your Body
"Consider that your dissatisfaction is not about your body. When you accept that thought, what comes to mind? What is your dissatisfaction really about? What is it trying to tell you? What part of your life could you address to foster more overall contentment?"
Hmm.. This is a difficult question to answer. For approximately 20 something years of my life I convinced myself that my dissatisfaction IS about my body. If my body was better, then my life would be better. I would feel better. I have been struggling the past week and a half with really bad anxiety. I'm unsure of what that anxiety is really about and I have been trying to pinpoint my triggers. Part of my anxiety COULD be a physiological chemical imbalance of sorts.. but is it really?? There is only one time in my life that I was close to being satisfied with my body. In that time, I was fairly obsessed with monitoring my food and exercising like a maniac. What if my dissatisfaction is not about my body.. but more generally just about myself. I am dissatisfied with who I am. I don't feel like I am the person I wish I was. There are a few things I could address in my life to foster more contentment with who I am... First of all, I could be more creative and spend my free time engaging in hobbies instead of sitting on the computer or in front of the television. Second of all, I could be more active and exercise more, but more specifically I would love to do yoga and meditate daily. Thirdly, I could be more active in helping out around the apartment; cooking, cleaning, doing things for my fiance. Fourthly, I could go out more and be more social. And most of all, I could be less uptight and not take everything in life so seriously. I have explained this to my therapist in the past... I would like to be more like a "hippie chick" in terms of their mindset. Right now I feel more like an uptight, debbie downer, control freak. That is my true dissatisfaction. But then I wonder if that is truly just how I am... that is my personality.. and I should accept myself this way. In thinking about what I am dissatisfied with, I am trying to think of what I am satisfied with. Right in this moment, I am kind of in a negative mindset and I cannot really think of anything. Think positive...........
...Well, I am satisfied with... wow, why is this so difficult??? I will have to think more about this and come back later. I cannot leave today's post on such a negative tone...
I am satisfied with my cat. She is perfectly adorable. That will have to do for now....
Okay, I thought of another thing. I am satisfied with my insight and my motivation to continue working on myself.
"Consider that your dissatisfaction is not about your body. When you accept that thought, what comes to mind? What is your dissatisfaction really about? What is it trying to tell you? What part of your life could you address to foster more overall contentment?"
Hmm.. This is a difficult question to answer. For approximately 20 something years of my life I convinced myself that my dissatisfaction IS about my body. If my body was better, then my life would be better. I would feel better. I have been struggling the past week and a half with really bad anxiety. I'm unsure of what that anxiety is really about and I have been trying to pinpoint my triggers. Part of my anxiety COULD be a physiological chemical imbalance of sorts.. but is it really?? There is only one time in my life that I was close to being satisfied with my body. In that time, I was fairly obsessed with monitoring my food and exercising like a maniac. What if my dissatisfaction is not about my body.. but more generally just about myself. I am dissatisfied with who I am. I don't feel like I am the person I wish I was. There are a few things I could address in my life to foster more contentment with who I am... First of all, I could be more creative and spend my free time engaging in hobbies instead of sitting on the computer or in front of the television. Second of all, I could be more active and exercise more, but more specifically I would love to do yoga and meditate daily. Thirdly, I could be more active in helping out around the apartment; cooking, cleaning, doing things for my fiance. Fourthly, I could go out more and be more social. And most of all, I could be less uptight and not take everything in life so seriously. I have explained this to my therapist in the past... I would like to be more like a "hippie chick" in terms of their mindset. Right now I feel more like an uptight, debbie downer, control freak. That is my true dissatisfaction. But then I wonder if that is truly just how I am... that is my personality.. and I should accept myself this way. In thinking about what I am dissatisfied with, I am trying to think of what I am satisfied with. Right in this moment, I am kind of in a negative mindset and I cannot really think of anything. Think positive...........
...Well, I am satisfied with... wow, why is this so difficult??? I will have to think more about this and come back later. I cannot leave today's post on such a negative tone...
I am satisfied with my cat. She is perfectly adorable. That will have to do for now....
Okay, I thought of another thing. I am satisfied with my insight and my motivation to continue working on myself.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Day 11
Just as an aside.. last night I was backing up my iPhone on my computer and stumbled across old photos of myself and my fiance. As I began looking back over the past 5 years, I noticed myself focusing in on my body over those years and I began comparing myself now to back then. There is something that I always end up doing and thinking... and that is that I always think I looked better in the past. My hair was nicer, my skin was nicer, I had better style, I was thinner, more fit, had more energy, etc. And thus begins the cycle of comparing and feeling bad about myself in the present. Why do I do this? I have heard that people who are trying to recover from body image issues, eating disorders, or what not, are told to delete old pictures of themselves to avoid this. But, these old pictures are my memories of my fiance and I. I will admit there are A LOT of photos of just myself, but I just can't let go and delete them. I'm not sure why I save them knowing that looking at them will result in nothing but negative thoughts. So, after I forced myself to stop looking at these photos, I noticed my mood had dropped significantly. I'm not ready yet to delete these photos, but for now I know to avoid looking at them. They will sit in a folder on my computer labeled "Do Not Open." This brings me back to the idea of comparing. Why do we compare ourselves to others and our past self? Does it bring any good? Sometimes I think it will motivate me to work out again every day like I used to, but instead it makes me feel worse about myself and less motivated to work out.... Has anyone else struggled with this? If so, what do you do to challenge the negative thoughts?
"So much of our dissatisfaction about our bodies, I believe, stems from our assumption that we ARE our bodies. But we are not our bodies. Our bodies are simply vehicles that take us through life, that allow us to experience this world, and each was chosen, through genetics, for our particular journey. Our bodies are not who we are. We all know that what we are is a compilation of our heart, our soul, and our mind. Our bodies carry our truth around, they are the lenses through which we experience the world, but they are not us. Our true selves are rooted within our bodies" (Molinary, 2010, p. 13).
The above quote is a powerful yet difficult concept to truly embrace. For my entire life I have always felt that what my body looked like defined who I was to myself and to others. If my body was thin, fit, and strong then that meant that I was strong, in control, and capable of dealing with life better. If my body wasn't as thin or fit that meant that I wasn't in control of my life or strong enough to deal with what life had in store for me. Today, in this moment, I am not as thin as I have been in the past, I am certainly not fit or in shape, but I feel more capable of coping with life's hardships and all of my stressors more so than in the past. I'm not going to lie; I still believe, in the back of my mind, that if I was thinner or in shape I could be a better person somehow. And I still contemplate with the idea of trying to lose weight. But I do not feel this inner turmoil or inner struggle that if I don't lose 20 pounds right now and go to the gym every day, I will not be a successful person. As I grow and evolve as a person, I find that my heart, mind, and soul are more important to me than what my body looks like. And since my body is the vehicle for these things, I need to treat my body with respect and compassion.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day 10
What do you appreciate most about yourself?
I really appreciate my insight, intelligence, my empathy, sense of humor, and righteous anger. I feel these qualities are what make me a good person... a person who can make change both within myself and with others. I feel for others deeply but I am able to maintain a sense of humor about life that keeps me from getting overly emotional and burnt out. I mostly appreciate my righteous anger. Many people will find it strange that I appreciate anger, but I feel that without my getting angry with certain things, I would not be so driven to make a change or a difference. For example, when I see certain commercials or advertisements in magazines that portray women in a certain light that promotes self-objectification, I become angry. This anger enables me to work towards, first, challenging these unhealthy and unrealistic expectations and images for myself... and second, attempting to help others do the same. As my therapist has encouraged me in the past... "Get angry." So, if you happen to see something in the media that promotes an unrealistic, unhealthy, and sexist view of women's bodies... get angry about it and challenge it. Together, maybe we can make a difference.
What are you most confident about?
I am most confident about my ability to overcome any hardships/challenges in my life that I've had to deal with. I'm also most confident about my ability to always strive to be the best person I can and to constantly work on evolving for the better.
What is the first positive memory you have for yourself?
Wow, this is difficult. For those of you who know me, know that I have a horrible memory unless it comes to memorizing material for tests in school. Hmm... I guess the first positive memory I have for myself that I can remember is when I auditioned for a solo in the school play in 3rd grade and I did not get the original solo. But, my chorus teacher liked my voice so much that she wrote in a solo just for me to sing. I didn't tell my parents about it because I wanted to surprise them, and I remember feeling so confident on stage and excited to talk to them afterwards about it. I think this was my first solo I had ever sang in public that I had to audition for. Of course, my parents were very happy for me and proud of me.
What is your first positive memory you have for yourself? Was anyone there to witness that moment? If so, who was there and how did s/he or they react? How did it make you feel?
I really appreciate my insight, intelligence, my empathy, sense of humor, and righteous anger. I feel these qualities are what make me a good person... a person who can make change both within myself and with others. I feel for others deeply but I am able to maintain a sense of humor about life that keeps me from getting overly emotional and burnt out. I mostly appreciate my righteous anger. Many people will find it strange that I appreciate anger, but I feel that without my getting angry with certain things, I would not be so driven to make a change or a difference. For example, when I see certain commercials or advertisements in magazines that portray women in a certain light that promotes self-objectification, I become angry. This anger enables me to work towards, first, challenging these unhealthy and unrealistic expectations and images for myself... and second, attempting to help others do the same. As my therapist has encouraged me in the past... "Get angry." So, if you happen to see something in the media that promotes an unrealistic, unhealthy, and sexist view of women's bodies... get angry about it and challenge it. Together, maybe we can make a difference.
What are you most confident about?
I am most confident about my ability to overcome any hardships/challenges in my life that I've had to deal with. I'm also most confident about my ability to always strive to be the best person I can and to constantly work on evolving for the better.
What is the first positive memory you have for yourself?
Wow, this is difficult. For those of you who know me, know that I have a horrible memory unless it comes to memorizing material for tests in school. Hmm... I guess the first positive memory I have for myself that I can remember is when I auditioned for a solo in the school play in 3rd grade and I did not get the original solo. But, my chorus teacher liked my voice so much that she wrote in a solo just for me to sing. I didn't tell my parents about it because I wanted to surprise them, and I remember feeling so confident on stage and excited to talk to them afterwards about it. I think this was my first solo I had ever sang in public that I had to audition for. Of course, my parents were very happy for me and proud of me.
What is your first positive memory you have for yourself? Was anyone there to witness that moment? If so, who was there and how did s/he or they react? How did it make you feel?
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