FYI

School just started up again.. so I probably won't be around for like...... a year.

bbl!!!

Day 9

"What is it you are saying to yourself?  Why do you say it?  What are your emotions when you say it?"


I often say to myself "I'm fat."  I feel that I say it because:
 a) I feel I am out of shape and slightly overweight 
b) It's a habit
c) I have perfectionistic tendencies and if I don't meet up to Hollywood standards of beauty I must be fat
d) It's a way of relating to other people at times
e) I feel if I don't say it, someone else will think I'm not aware of my "fatness" problem.  I'd rather be the one to say it then have others think I'm clueless about myself.


I'm sure there's more reasons why I say it, but that's all I can think of at the moment.  My emotions when I say "I'm fat" are usually negative ones.  Sometimes I just say it out of the blue (habitually) and I may even be in a good mood at the moment.  


At this point in time, I am unhappy because I feel I am not as healthy as I could be.  I would like to feel stronger and healthier and have more energy.  That is one motivation for wanting to exercise and eat healthier foods.  But on the other hand, in the back of my mind, I still have my inner critic/perfectionism impacting some of my decisions or making me feel guilty for some decisions.  As you can see, simply saying one little phrase, "I'm fat," can have complex meanings and implications.  I feel it's important to analyze the things we say to ourselves and examine what they really mean.

Oh, Fashion!

Day 8

How much money do you think you could save if you put money in a jar every time you engaged in self-loathing or your inner critic?


Give it a try.


Find a bowl, vase, or piggy bank to catch your quarters when you knock yourself, and watch your self-awareness soar and your habits change.  We can all change our language---and our minds.


Maybe I should give this a try since I am trying to save up for a wedding gown anyways.  I bet I'll have lots of change at the end of the week.  Maybe I'll start it tomorrow and post how much (or how little) money I have in the jar in a week...
In my mind I think it'll be a lot of money.  But I think I have gained a great deal of self-awareness over the past few years about my inner critic.  I have been able to notice my negative thoughts and stop them, but I haven't been able to master the technique of not just stopping them, but countering them with a positive thought.  That'll be next..

Day 7

As expected, I did not blog every day as I had hoped.. but that's life.  It's imperfect.  And that's what's so great about it.  Imperfect and unexpected.  


Give your inner critic a name.  And when she/he pipes up today, put her/him in their place.  
  "Agnes, I am not listening to you."
  "Sylvia, you are so negative."
And then spin her/his criticism on its head.
  "Agnes, it doesn't matter if I am skinny in your eyes.  It matters whether or not I am healthy in mine."
  "Sylvia, my hair looks perfectly fine."
Calling out your inner critic and changing her direction is a vital step in moving from negative self-image to positive.


I am used to calling this inner critic "Ed" (and some of you may know where this comes from).  Therefore for today:
  "Ed, shut the fuck up.  I still have impeccable style even though I'm wearing Uggs to work."
  "Ed, it doesn't matter if I have split ends.  I'm still beautiful."
  "I can eat dark chocolate and nutella today, Ed, because I'm still healthy and eating it in moderation."
That's all for today.  Ed hasn't been overly annoying today.  Some days he is much louder and more critical than other days.


What would you name your inner critic and what would you say to him/her???

True Dat, Miss Marbles..

Why Girls Hate Each Other......

Day 6

A study published in the June 2007 issue of Body Image: An International Journal of Research revealed that if a woman criticizes herself, those around her tend to add their own negative self-impressions to the conversation-even if they had just described their body image as "positive" or "high."


When a woman criticizes herself in front of you, don't join in.  Instead celebrate what you love about her or tell her just how wrong she is.  When you are inclined to begin your own body-bashing, stop yourself.  We do ourselves and others a disservice when we allow these critiques to carry on.

-"beautiful you: a daily guide to Radical Self-Acceptance" by rosie molinary

Day 5

I wish for myself to live a life full of happiness.  I would like to have a good relationship with my fiance (and soon, a good marriage), raise healthy children, and have a fulfilling career.  I also wish to live a healthy life with a healthy, strong body, mind, and soul.  I feel this is much different from where I am today because I do not feel I am living a life with a healthy strong body or mind.  I feel like I am still waiting for myself to make these changes, but it isn't happening just yet.  I am not there.  I am also a perfectionist, so it is possible that I have overly idealistic and high expectations for what a strong body and mind are.  I feel like as soon as I establish myself in a stable job or career once I graduate and obtain my masters degree, I will feel more confident.  (I hope!)  I also feel that if I am able to engage in some kind of physical activity (whether it be going to a gym, boxing, or yoga), I will feel more confident.  I grew up being very active in many sports, etc., and since I am so busy with school, interning, and working, I haven't really had the time to engage in activities I enjoy.  I need to find an activity or hobby I really enjoy and that I am passionate about.  I think after that I will feel more confident about myself and my life.

Day 4

Body image has greatly affected my daily life and outlook for many years now.  I remember in high school that I felt like I couldn't hang out with certain people, go to parties, or do certain things because of my poor body image.  In college, I felt like I couldn't be on the dance team or audition to be in a play until I lost a certain amount of weight.  Even after college body image greatly affected my daily life.  Every day I was consciously thinking or worrying about my body and my weight.  It has taken up a great deal of energy and time in my life.  Whether I was cooking meals, weighing myself, going to the gym, self-loathing to others, picking myself apart in front of a mirror, trying on multiple outfits in the morning, etc., it was time not spent on other things.  It was time spent not being content with life.  My challenges with body image over time have been many.  I have struggled with accepting my body as it is since I was very young.  My triumphs with body image have been much less, but more recent.  I have been much less preoccupied with my weight and body than ever before in my life.  For those of you who know me, you may disagree with that.  People often still hear me self-loathing or calling myself fat, but I am much closer towards acceptance than I have ever been.  I will be honest... I still want to lose weight and get in better shape, but I have found that I am more likely to go out and do things and not put my life on hold until I'm a certain weight.  In terms of what I have denied myself due to preoccupation with my appearance, well, let's just say I have denied myself many things.  It is quite devastating how many things I have missed out on because of this.  But most of all, I have denied myself happiness.  I have only allowed myself happiness in the past when I was thinner and more fit.  It is quite sad.  My personality has changed slightly since I started my journey towards acceptance.  I feel I am much less angry.  I have so much anger, and I don't really even know who it is directed towards.  It often gets directed towards loved ones or strangers or whomever.  But most of all, it is directed towards myself.  I have lost time doing things that could have been worthwhile because of body image.  I would like to say that I don't have any regrets, because I feel like regrets aren't worth having.  But I probably regret not having allowed myself to do more things.  But, I can honestly say that without all of those experiences, or lack thereof, I wouldn't be where I am today.  

Day 3

How do I feel about myself?  Well, I feel like this is a complicated question to answer as there are many different ways I feel about myself at different times in different situations.  Oh, and depending on my mood.  That's a big one.  If I am in a negative mood, I often feel low about myself.  I hate my body, my face, my hair, my nails, my skin, my personality...the list goes on.  If I am in a positive mood, I am better able to see myself in a better light.  I feel more secure in my skin.  Unfortunately, my mood changes quite often.  I'm not sure what came first, either.  My low self-esteem or my mood issues.  I'm also not quite sure where all of this came from.  Of course we can blame our parents or family for whatever issues we deal with today, but that doesn't quite do it for me.  Just saying "It's my mother's fault" doesn't make me suddenly better.  A healthy sense of self and healthy life will give me many things.  But most of all, it will give me the present.  Without having a healthy sense of self, I am currently living either in the past or the future.  "Life was better when...."  "I can do this when I lose weight."  Right now as things are in this moment, things are always better in the past or they will be in the future.  I am never in the moment right now.  I am never here.  Always stuck in my head.  Well, I'm ready to live in the present... so, let's go.

Day 2

The Body Warrior Pledge - Because I understand that my love and respect for my body are metaphors of my love and respect for my self and soul, I pledge:

• To stop berating my body and to begin celebrating the vessel that I have been given.  I will remember the amazing things my body has given me: the ability to experience the world with a breadth of sense, the ability to perceive and express love, the ability to comfort and soothe, and the ability to fight, provide, and care for humanity.
• To understand that my body is an opportunity not a scapegoat.
• To be the primary source of my confidence.  I will not rely on others to define my worth.
• To let envy dissipate and allow admiration to be a source of compassion by offering compliments to others.
• To gently but firmly stand up for myself when someone says something harmful.
• To change the inner monologue in my head to one that sees possibility not problems, potential not shortcomings, blessings not imperfections.
• To give my body the things that it needs to do its work well: plenty of water, amply movement, stretches, rest, and good nutrition, and to limit or eliminate the things that do not nurture my body.
• To see exercise as a way to improve my internal health and strength instead of a way to fight or control my body.
• To understand that my weight is not good or bad.  It is just a number, and I am only good.
• To love my body and myself today.  I do not have to weigh ten pounds less, have longer hair, or have my degree in my hand to have worth.  I have worth just as I am, and I embrace that power.
• To recognize my body's strengths.
• To no longer put off the things that I wish to experience because I am waiting to do them in a different body.
• To understand that a body, just like a personality, is like a fingerprint: a wonderful embodiment of my uniqueness.

The statements identified in bold print are the ones that I feel will take the most determination for me to embrace.  I often look to others to give me a sense of confidence, and I have been this way for a long time.  I have also always measured my worth by the things I have achieved or the things I have earned.  I will also have difficulty changing my inner monologue because I have had the same negative inner monologue for the past 28 years.  This is just a habit and will take some work to change.  I plan to just remember that I have put off way too many things in my life until I was the "right" weight, and I no longer want to waste my life.  I have to say only foreseeing difficulty with three out of the thirteen statements is not bad, and I am pleasantly surprised about this.  I am much further along than I used to be.  

Day 1

My hopes, both personally and for the world, with regard to body image and beauty perception are difficult to define.  For me, I wish that I could accept my body how it is right this second.. but I am afraid that is not possible.  I am willing to try.  For the world, my hopes for body image and beauty perception are that every body is beautiful and unique.  I hope that one day society does not have to judge women by their appearance and by what size jeans we wear or what a number on the scale says.  I hope that one day the world can not impose impossible beauty ideals on women.  I hope one day we can all look at one another and accept our differences and find beauty in everyone.  I am not sure how I can begin to live my hope today.  I feel as though these hopes are just that... hopes.  They are not realistic and they are never going to happen for myself or for the world.  Maybe, just for today, every woman I see I will make a mental note of one beautiful thing about her.  I will attempt to do this for myself today, as well.  I would also like to compliment a woman on something.  I feel as though in today's society women are so competitive and cold with one another.  What're we fighting for?  Do we even know?  I'm not quite sure, but I do know I feel it.  What I want most for myself and for the world is for us to stop trying to change ourselves and just be.  And smile about it.