Day 11

Just as an aside.. last night I was backing up my iPhone on my computer and stumbled across old photos of myself and my fiance.  As I began looking back over the past 5 years, I noticed myself focusing in on my body over those years and I began comparing myself now to back then.  There is something that I always end up doing and thinking... and that is that I always think I looked better in the past.  My hair was nicer, my skin was nicer, I had better style, I was thinner, more fit, had more energy, etc.  And thus begins the cycle of comparing and feeling bad about myself in the present.  Why do I do this?  I have heard that people who are trying to recover from body image issues, eating disorders, or what not, are told to delete old pictures of themselves to avoid this.  But, these old pictures are my memories of my fiance and I.  I will admit there are A LOT of photos of just myself, but I just can't let go and delete them.  I'm not sure why I save them knowing that looking at them will result in nothing but negative thoughts.  So, after I forced myself to stop looking at these photos, I noticed my mood had dropped significantly.  I'm not ready yet to delete these photos, but for now I know to avoid looking at them.  They will sit in a folder on my computer labeled "Do Not Open."  This brings me back to the idea of comparing.  Why do we compare ourselves to others and our past self?  Does it bring any good?  Sometimes I think it will motivate me to work out again every day like I used to, but instead it makes me feel worse about myself and less motivated to work out.... Has anyone else struggled with this?  If so, what do you do to challenge the negative thoughts?

"So much of our dissatisfaction about our bodies, I believe, stems from our assumption that we ARE our bodies.  But we are not our bodies.  Our bodies are simply vehicles that take us through life, that allow us to experience this world, and each was chosen, through genetics, for our particular journey. Our bodies are not who we are.  We all know that what we are is a compilation of our heart, our soul, and our mind.  Our bodies carry our truth around, they are the lenses through which we experience the world, but they are not us.  Our true selves are rooted within our bodies" (Molinary, 2010, p. 13).

The above quote is a powerful yet difficult concept to truly embrace.  For my entire life I have always felt that what my body looked like defined who I was to myself and to others.  If my body was thin, fit, and strong then that meant that I was strong, in control, and capable of dealing with life better.  If my body wasn't as thin or fit that meant that I wasn't in control of my life or strong enough to deal with what life had in store for me.  Today, in this moment, I am not as thin as I have been in the past, I am certainly not fit or in shape, but I feel more capable of coping with life's hardships and all of my stressors more so than in the past.  I'm not going to lie; I still believe, in the back of my mind, that if I was thinner or in shape I could be a better person somehow.  And I still contemplate with the idea of trying to lose weight.  But I do not feel this inner turmoil or inner struggle that if I don't lose 20 pounds right now and go to the gym every day, I will not be a successful person.  As I grow and evolve as a person, I find that my heart, mind, and soul are more important to me than what my body looks like.  And since my body is the vehicle for these things, I need to treat my body with respect and compassion.