Day 4

Body image has greatly affected my daily life and outlook for many years now.  I remember in high school that I felt like I couldn't hang out with certain people, go to parties, or do certain things because of my poor body image.  In college, I felt like I couldn't be on the dance team or audition to be in a play until I lost a certain amount of weight.  Even after college body image greatly affected my daily life.  Every day I was consciously thinking or worrying about my body and my weight.  It has taken up a great deal of energy and time in my life.  Whether I was cooking meals, weighing myself, going to the gym, self-loathing to others, picking myself apart in front of a mirror, trying on multiple outfits in the morning, etc., it was time not spent on other things.  It was time spent not being content with life.  My challenges with body image over time have been many.  I have struggled with accepting my body as it is since I was very young.  My triumphs with body image have been much less, but more recent.  I have been much less preoccupied with my weight and body than ever before in my life.  For those of you who know me, you may disagree with that.  People often still hear me self-loathing or calling myself fat, but I am much closer towards acceptance than I have ever been.  I will be honest... I still want to lose weight and get in better shape, but I have found that I am more likely to go out and do things and not put my life on hold until I'm a certain weight.  In terms of what I have denied myself due to preoccupation with my appearance, well, let's just say I have denied myself many things.  It is quite devastating how many things I have missed out on because of this.  But most of all, I have denied myself happiness.  I have only allowed myself happiness in the past when I was thinner and more fit.  It is quite sad.  My personality has changed slightly since I started my journey towards acceptance.  I feel I am much less angry.  I have so much anger, and I don't really even know who it is directed towards.  It often gets directed towards loved ones or strangers or whomever.  But most of all, it is directed towards myself.  I have lost time doing things that could have been worthwhile because of body image.  I would like to say that I don't have any regrets, because I feel like regrets aren't worth having.  But I probably regret not having allowed myself to do more things.  But, I can honestly say that without all of those experiences, or lack thereof, I wouldn't be where I am today.